Just For Parents

100 Ways To Catch Them Being Good!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Most parents can relate to the “phase-like” nature of young children’s development. One minute you’re sailing along, giving yourself props for your brilliant parenting tactics that are most certainly responsible for the kind, cooperative, and generally helpful youngster before you. Next thing you know, that sweet little 2-year-old morphs into an evil demon-child from the toddler underworld. Oh yes, we’ve all been there. Call it a “difficult phase” or perhaps a “rough patch”, but this is the unmistakable roller coaster ride of early childhood behavior.

As young children grow and develop, they gradually gain more control over their bodies, which enables them to explore and act upon the world around them. Add their ongoing emotional and social evolution into the mix, and you have the context for an ongoing two-steps-forward, one-step-back cycle as children work to master new skills and gain an increasing sense of independence. When the going gets tough, it’s easy to fall into a downward spiral of negative behavior and frustrated, ineffective parenting that leaves everyone feeling terrible. At times, it may seem like the more you try to set limits and manage your child’s behavior, the more they “up the ante” and act out.

During one particularly gruesome “rough patch” with our then 3-year-old son, efforts to deal with his escalating behavior through time-outs and loss of privileges had gotten us into one such very negative spiral. Trying to recover from the “mother-of-all-meltdowns” that left a destroyed bedroom in its wake, we found ourselves contemplating putting a lock on the playroom door and requiring our son to earn back his toys when he was able to behave appropriately. We had to ask ourselves what could be done to break this awful cycle that we had all fallen into.

The answer that we came up with was to completely change gears and create a more positive environment by ‘catching’ our son being good and reinforcing him for those positive behaviors, however small. We chose to praise him for his good behavior and award him with tokens (old poker chips with star stickers on them). He was able to trade those tokens in for fun things like a family trip to miniature golf. The reality was we didn’t have a fancy system in place – we just let him know every time he did a good job listening or cooperating, and every once in a while we gave him a star chip to add to his plastic container. Amazingly, this really did get us out of the rut we had been stuck in, and we saw his behavior change dramatically. Of course, there continued to be phases where we grappled with one issue or another, but it was nothing like the ‘dark ages’ we had lived through before.

These days we still use the poker chips from time to time, and the boys always love getting one and running to put it in their container. Even a 1-year-old who can barely walk loves getting a chip and putting it in with the others. Eventually that 1-year-old will connect it to the feeling of pride they experience when they are praised for their good behavior. Every once in a while we recognize that we may be teetering at the precipice of another “rough patch”, so we step it up a notch and target certain positive behaviors to reinforce. This tact is reliably more effective for us than using time-outs and other discipline strategies alone, and it invariably creates a more positive tone in our family that everyone can appreciate!

Even without using the tokens, verbally reinforcing children for their positive behavior goes a long way toward preventing flare-ups and teaching them to be a prosocial member of the family and society-at-large. After all, how can we expect children to behave the way we would like them to if we don’t tell them what we like? And I can’t imagine there are many adults out there who wouldn’t appreciate being told that THEY’RE doing a good job – at work, at home, or even just being a parent, friend, or spouse. So this is the impetus for my blog “100 ways to catch them being good” and I hope others will get into it and share their creative ways of giving their children positive feedback. One of my goals is to help other parents try to focus on the positive and see what a wonderful effect it can have on their families. My other goal is simply to remind myself of this powerful strategy and keep it positive in my own family! I hope you enjoy!!

#1. Right now we are focused on ‘sibling relations’ in our family, so I try to notice every time the boys are playing well with each other (defined as NOT taking, yelling, pushing, crying… well, you get the picture!). I literally tell them “Hey – you guys are doing such a great job playing with each other and getting along! That is so nice to see!!” Then of course, you have to cross your fingers and hope that you haven’t jinxed yourself!!!

The Wanderers

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

This entry is for all of the families who are “fortunate” enough to have a wanderer in their family. If you don’t know what I mean by a wanderer, then you clearly do not have one. Wanderers are those children who have a tendency to just wander off, without care or concern. Given that I am a mother of a reformed wanderer, I try to view wanderers in a positive light…..as the bright, inquisitive, independent children that they are.

Don’t get me wrong, it has taken me 5 ½ years to be able to make those positive statements, and actually believe them. And I only now believe them, because I can see those positive qualities in my son without the repeated traumas of his wandering. There were early signs that he was going to be a wanderer, which should have prepared us and warned us. But blissfully, we ignored them all. For example, when our son was toddling around with all of his peers, his peers were always toddling just a few steps away from their parents, always checking back to make sure their parents were there. But not our son. Our son was toddling off, never looking back. He would have toddled 100 yards away if we would have let him.

A couple of years later, we had our first traumatic “wandering” experience. And unfortunately it was the first of many. We were at the Fleet Center watching Disney on Ice. At that time, my son was 2 ½ years old. I went with my neighbor and her three children, and my 2 oldest sons. We put our jackets down at our seats and immediately went to the snack bar to get our snacks. Well, after putting ketchup on a hot dog, my 2 ½ year old son had disappeared. In sheer horror (which I will spare you of here), my neighbor and I started running around searching for my two and half year old. There were hundreds of people everywhere, multiple exits and bathrooms, multiple entries to the seating area, and I was in tears screaming my son’s name. My neighbor suggested that I go back to the seats to see if he was there. I looked at her as though she had five heads. How could my 2 ½ year old know where our seats are. We were only there for one second, and there were multiple entries to the seating area. Now what I haven’t told you yet is that my neighbor was also the mother of a reformed wanderer. So I ran back to our seats, getting lost because I didn’t go through the correct gate. And of course, there was my son happily munching on his snacks, sitting in the correct seats. I couldn’t believe it. How could he possibly have known where our seats were. I hadn’t even known where our seats were without checking our tickets.

Before you think that the wandering could have possibly been due to my lack of attention, I will share with you another story. This time it involves our child care provider of three years. Our babysitter went out with our two sons as she always does. They went to an outdoor mall to explore a toy store and get some ice cream. Once again, in a moment’s notice, my oldest son disappeared. Our babysitter frantically searched all of the stores and solicited help from store personnel. As was to be expected, she was in tears and frantically left me a message. (This is not a message that any mother should ever receive). Fortunately, my son was recovered. He had left the store that they were in and walked through the parking lot back to her car. The lot was filled with cars. Thankfully, he made it safely to the car, and back again to the store. But what I came to realize much later (years later, when the trauma had worn off), was that my three year old son was able to navigate where he was, where the car was, and make his way back and forth accordingly. That is truly exceptional…. and of course, earth shattering as well. I have many examples similar to these, which I would rather forget. But it truly is amazing that our son had the spatial orientation skills that he had. He was always one step ahead of us (literally and figuratively), and far beyond his peers in this one isolated skill. Lucky for us that his spatial skills were far ahead of his rationale and forethought [I say this quite sarcastically].

So I did what any good mother would do. I began to take a preventative approach to his wandering, and began “training” him to not be a wanderer. I will share with you what we did. Now this isn’t just useful for families with wanderers, but for families of all children. Because at some point, you may lose your child. It may be for one second or maybe for a few minutes. The horror will be the same regardless. So use these pointers to hopefully give you some peace if and when you get separated from your child.

Teach your child who the “safe people” generally are. This includes store personnel, security guards/police officers, and mothers with children.
Teach your child how to identify these individuals: Store personnel usually have name tags. Cashiers are generally located at the front of the store at the cash registers. Security guards/police officers wear uniforms, and show your child what the uniform looks like. Mothers are generally walking with or carrying children.
Always carry a recent picture of your child. Preferably carry a couple of pictures, so they can be distributed if need be.
Have your child carry identifying information on him. For example, on a piece of paper, it should list his name, address, your name, and your cell phone number. Be sure to tell your child that he has this information and where it will be located (e.g., in his left pants pocket).
If your child is going out with another adult, and s/he has had previous wandering experiences (even if it is just one), forewarn this adult. Provide him/her with pictures of the child, and list that adult’s cell phone number on the note that your child will carry around.
Tell your child to NEVER leave the location that you were just in. She should NEVER walk through the doors. She should NEVER leave with someone.
Rehearse all of the above: Have your child practice what he would do if he ever got separated from you. This is especially important if you have a quieter/more timid child. Have your child practice identifying “safe people”, walking up to those people, and asking for their help. Have your child provide the note with identifying information to the “safe person.” Have your child practice this several times (on different days and in different locations), until you both feel comfortable. It is better to have your child do this for the first time when she is not lost or scared. This will also help to reassure you as a parent that she will know what to do.

For those families who are currently going through the angst of parenting a wanderer, hold strong. This phase, like all others, will pass. In the meantime, arm yourself and your child with the necessary knowledge and skills to keep him/her safe.

Good luck!

“Big Kid” Mother
http://www.justforparents.com/

CHRONICLES OF A “NEWBORN” MOTHER

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

My third son is now 5 days old. The sleep deprivation is in full effect after 9 months of already minimal sleep. Given that I’m now a third time, supposedly “experienced” mother, I knew what to expect, what to hope for, what is realistic, what is not. But it doesn’t matter. Not after five days of little to no sleep. All I want is for my newborn baby to sleep…preferably not on me, preferably more than one hour, and even more preferably….when I want or need him to sleep, given that I have two other children who need my time and energy. So off I go to Babies R Us to see what I can buy to help my baby to go to sleep.

Now I know that I’ve been through this before. I know that sleep aids generally don’t work…at least they haven’t worked in the past for my two other children. I previously purchased 5 sleep aids (between my first two sons), and none with success. But being an optimist, I think, this time it’s going to be different. The sleep positioner with a heart beat which costs $39.99 is a worthwhile investment. So I buy it, bring it home, open it immediately, and use it that same evening. Now if I had been the least bit rational, I would have gone in thinking that it was likely not going to work. But the sleep deprived irrational emotionality was in full power. And you know what….of course it didn’t work, as I sobbed that night with an infant who just wouldn’t sleep more than 45 minutes at a time.

So on day six, I go back to Babies R Us again. I had given away the vibrating/bouncy seat from my first two boys, so I go off to buy a new one. I find one that I like with different vibrating speeds, 12 different songs, a great animal theme, and so I pay out another $49.99 and head home. I immediately ask my husband to set the chair up, thinking this would be the panacea to my newborn baby’s lack of sleep and comfort. He would happily sleep in the vibrating/bouncy chair, just as his two older brothers did. So my husband sets up the chair, and I place my newborn baby in the chair. He loves it. He quietly sleeps. I’m in awe. But then after just 10 minutes, the chair shuts off. The baby wakes up, and I am left thoroughly confused as to why the chair has shut off. I restart the chair. The baby goes back to sleep. But again, after 10 minutes, it shuts off. I can’t believe it. I read the directions and find out the chair shuts off after 10 minutes to CONSERVE BATTERY POWER. I am now fully crazed. Are you kidding me? Has this company never met a newborn before? Did they even test this chair with a newborn? What kind of baby would remain comforted and/or sleeping after the 10 minute shut off? I know mine don’t. Does this company really think that mothers of young infants are prioritizing battery power over a baby’s (and mother’s) comfort or sleep?! I mean I’m all for conserving battery power, but only after my baby is soothed or sleeping. I write down the 1-800 number and vow to call them in the morning.

But at that moment I had bigger problems. It was 8:00 pm, almost bedtime and almost closing time for Babies R Us. So I go out again in the freezing cold weather as my husband looks on, thankful that my sleep deprived craziness is not being directed at him. Once I get there, I immediately head for the vibrating chair aisle. I check out all of the vibrating/bouncy seats again. None of the seats indicate how long they will vibrate. Knowing that I had been fooled the first time, I set out to make sure that I can see the directions on the inside of the box before I purchase the next one. A customer service representative comes to the aisle and asks if she can help (she must have seen what my intentions were). I tell her my story and explain that the boxes must be opened so that I can ensure that I am purchasing a chair that will NOT shut off after 10 minutes. After my emotional plea for her help, she takes out her knife and opens up several boxes for me. Just as I expected, most of the companies had produced chairs that would shut off in 10-20 minutes……………EXCEPT………… for Fisher-Price. YEAH for Fisher-Price!!!! They get it. They know that it takes more than 10 minutes to soothe an infant. They understand that an infant will not continue sleeping after 10 minutes if the vibration shuts off. So I purchase the Fisher Price Rainforest Bouncer for $49.99 and bring it home. My husband assembles the second chair of the evening, and we put our newborn son in the chair. He LOVES it (as do my other two sons who tried out all of the attached frills and songs). So after spending $140 on three different items in three different trips to Babies R Us, I have finally found something that can soothe my newborn infant other than me.

Now I would love to tell you a fairy tale ending to my saga…..that my newborn son slept like a champ in the chair for 4 hours that evening………but he didn’t. But you know what, he was soothed by the chair and he did sleep in it for up to an hour at a time. And you know, as a newborn mother, 1 hour is worth 24 at this stage……….

"Newborn" Mom

http://www.justforparents.com/

To purchase a Fisher Price Rainforest Bouncer from Amazon.com: