The Wanderers
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
This entry is for all of the families who are “fortunate” enough to have a wanderer in their family. If you don’t know what I mean by a wanderer, then you clearly do not have one. Wanderers are those children who have a tendency to just wander off, without care or concern. Given that I am a mother of a reformed wanderer, I try to view wanderers in a positive light…..as the bright, inquisitive, independent children that they are.
Don’t get me wrong, it has taken me 5 ½ years to be able to make those positive statements, and actually believe them. And I only now believe them, because I can see those positive qualities in my son without the repeated traumas of his wandering. There were early signs that he was going to be a wanderer, which should have prepared us and warned us. But blissfully, we ignored them all. For example, when our son was toddling around with all of his peers, his peers were always toddling just a few steps away from their parents, always checking back to make sure their parents were there. But not our son. Our son was toddling off, never looking back. He would have toddled 100 yards away if we would have let him.
A couple of years later, we had our first traumatic “wandering” experience. And unfortunately it was the first of many. We were at the Fleet Center watching Disney on Ice. At that time, my son was 2 ½ years old. I went with my neighbor and her three children, and my 2 oldest sons. We put our jackets down at our seats and immediately went to the snack bar to get our snacks. Well, after putting ketchup on a hot dog, my 2 ½ year old son had disappeared. In sheer horror (which I will spare you of here), my neighbor and I started running around searching for my two and half year old. There were hundreds of people everywhere, multiple exits and bathrooms, multiple entries to the seating area, and I was in tears screaming my son’s name. My neighbor suggested that I go back to the seats to see if he was there. I looked at her as though she had five heads. How could my 2 ½ year old know where our seats are. We were only there for one second, and there were multiple entries to the seating area. Now what I haven’t told you yet is that my neighbor was also the mother of a reformed wanderer. So I ran back to our seats, getting lost because I didn’t go through the correct gate. And of course, there was my son happily munching on his snacks, sitting in the correct seats. I couldn’t believe it. How could he possibly have known where our seats were. I hadn’t even known where our seats were without checking our tickets.
Before you think that the wandering could have possibly been due to my lack of attention, I will share with you another story. This time it involves our child care provider of three years. Our babysitter went out with our two sons as she always does. They went to an outdoor mall to explore a toy store and get some ice cream. Once again, in a moment’s notice, my oldest son disappeared. Our babysitter frantically searched all of the stores and solicited help from store personnel. As was to be expected, she was in tears and frantically left me a message. (This is not a message that any mother should ever receive). Fortunately, my son was recovered. He had left the store that they were in and walked through the parking lot back to her car. The lot was filled with cars. Thankfully, he made it safely to the car, and back again to the store. But what I came to realize much later (years later, when the trauma had worn off), was that my three year old son was able to navigate where he was, where the car was, and make his way back and forth accordingly. That is truly exceptional…. and of course, earth shattering as well. I have many examples similar to these, which I would rather forget. But it truly is amazing that our son had the spatial orientation skills that he had. He was always one step ahead of us (literally and figuratively), and far beyond his peers in this one isolated skill. Lucky for us that his spatial skills were far ahead of his rationale and forethought [I say this quite sarcastically].
So I did what any good mother would do. I began to take a preventative approach to his wandering, and began “training” him to not be a wanderer. I will share with you what we did. Now this isn’t just useful for families with wanderers, but for families of all children. Because at some point, you may lose your child. It may be for one second or maybe for a few minutes. The horror will be the same regardless. So use these pointers to hopefully give you some peace if and when you get separated from your child.
Don’t get me wrong, it has taken me 5 ½ years to be able to make those positive statements, and actually believe them. And I only now believe them, because I can see those positive qualities in my son without the repeated traumas of his wandering. There were early signs that he was going to be a wanderer, which should have prepared us and warned us. But blissfully, we ignored them all. For example, when our son was toddling around with all of his peers, his peers were always toddling just a few steps away from their parents, always checking back to make sure their parents were there. But not our son. Our son was toddling off, never looking back. He would have toddled 100 yards away if we would have let him.
A couple of years later, we had our first traumatic “wandering” experience. And unfortunately it was the first of many. We were at the Fleet Center watching Disney on Ice. At that time, my son was 2 ½ years old. I went with my neighbor and her three children, and my 2 oldest sons. We put our jackets down at our seats and immediately went to the snack bar to get our snacks. Well, after putting ketchup on a hot dog, my 2 ½ year old son had disappeared. In sheer horror (which I will spare you of here), my neighbor and I started running around searching for my two and half year old. There were hundreds of people everywhere, multiple exits and bathrooms, multiple entries to the seating area, and I was in tears screaming my son’s name. My neighbor suggested that I go back to the seats to see if he was there. I looked at her as though she had five heads. How could my 2 ½ year old know where our seats are. We were only there for one second, and there were multiple entries to the seating area. Now what I haven’t told you yet is that my neighbor was also the mother of a reformed wanderer. So I ran back to our seats, getting lost because I didn’t go through the correct gate. And of course, there was my son happily munching on his snacks, sitting in the correct seats. I couldn’t believe it. How could he possibly have known where our seats were. I hadn’t even known where our seats were without checking our tickets.
Before you think that the wandering could have possibly been due to my lack of attention, I will share with you another story. This time it involves our child care provider of three years. Our babysitter went out with our two sons as she always does. They went to an outdoor mall to explore a toy store and get some ice cream. Once again, in a moment’s notice, my oldest son disappeared. Our babysitter frantically searched all of the stores and solicited help from store personnel. As was to be expected, she was in tears and frantically left me a message. (This is not a message that any mother should ever receive). Fortunately, my son was recovered. He had left the store that they were in and walked through the parking lot back to her car. The lot was filled with cars. Thankfully, he made it safely to the car, and back again to the store. But what I came to realize much later (years later, when the trauma had worn off), was that my three year old son was able to navigate where he was, where the car was, and make his way back and forth accordingly. That is truly exceptional…. and of course, earth shattering as well. I have many examples similar to these, which I would rather forget. But it truly is amazing that our son had the spatial orientation skills that he had. He was always one step ahead of us (literally and figuratively), and far beyond his peers in this one isolated skill. Lucky for us that his spatial skills were far ahead of his rationale and forethought [I say this quite sarcastically].
So I did what any good mother would do. I began to take a preventative approach to his wandering, and began “training” him to not be a wanderer. I will share with you what we did. Now this isn’t just useful for families with wanderers, but for families of all children. Because at some point, you may lose your child. It may be for one second or maybe for a few minutes. The horror will be the same regardless. So use these pointers to hopefully give you some peace if and when you get separated from your child.
- Teach your child who the “safe people” generally are. This includes store personnel, security guards/police officers, and mothers with children.
- Teach your child how to identify these individuals: Store personnel usually have name tags. Cashiers are generally located at the front of the store at the cash registers. Security guards/police officers wear uniforms, and show your child what the uniform looks like. Mothers are generally walking with or carrying children.
- Always carry a recent picture of your child. Preferably carry a couple of pictures, so they can be distributed if need be.
- Have your child carry identifying information on him. For example, on a piece of paper, it should list his name, address, your name, and your cell phone number. Be sure to tell your child that he has this information and where it will be located (e.g., in his left pants pocket).
- If your child is going out with another adult, and s/he has had previous wandering experiences (even if it is just one), forewarn this adult. Provide him/her with pictures of the child, and list that adult’s cell phone number on the note that your child will carry around.
- Tell your child to NEVER leave the location that you were just in. She should NEVER walk through the doors. She should NEVER leave with someone.
- Rehearse all of the above: Have your child practice what he would do if he ever got separated from you. This is especially important if you have a quieter/more timid child. Have your child practice identifying “safe people”, walking up to those people, and asking for their help. Have your child provide the note with identifying information to the “safe person.” Have your child practice this several times (on different days and in different locations), until you both feel comfortable. It is better to have your child do this for the first time when she is not lost or scared. This will also help to reassure you as a parent that she will know what to do.
For those families who are currently going through the angst of parenting a wanderer, hold strong. This phase, like all others, will pass. In the meantime, arm yourself and your child with the necessary knowledge and skills to keep him/her safe.
Good luck!
“Big Kid” Mother
http://www.justforparents.com/
posted by Linda Smith at
2:09 PM
1 Comments:
Excellent story! I think too often us parents will judge others before really understanding what is going on. This can be particularly hard for parents with children on the Autistic spectrum, who are often wanderers themselves. These child can look "normal" but have different behaviors that others judge too quickly. Your article is a wonderful reminder that even the most attentive of parents can have a wanderer!
In addition to the idea of carrying the identifying information in your child's pocket, I like the silver braclets. Most now have choices for cute designs on the outside so strangers can't just read the child's name acting like they know them, but security personnel/other safe adults can help a lost child by looking at the contact information on the back side. These can be especially useful for parents with children with food allergies. These bracelets are widely available.
~Jill
Post a Comment
<< Home